Friday, October 07, 2005


Well, we're gaining towards mid-October already. September felt a bit flabby. Too much flab-time sat on my hands and paradoxically I didn’t use it well, didn’t read Yeats or Dickens or Scripture. When time is taut, free time must be of depth in order to survive. When I’m truly busy I have greater need of beauty.

The sun figures in too much. I feel like I have to get every last ray, ride that bike while there’s still riding time left. The summer is wonderful but eventually she begins piping the tune, which, to a certain extent she does due to that seasonal affective disorder thang. One tends to rearrange the schedule for mental health purposes, even when one suspects it's merely a superstition.

The week was supremely busy. Tuesday was a travel day from Canada, an adrenalin-ride of nearly missed connections. Wednesday was work-heavy, but got a lot done. Thursday was Carol’s goodbye party, and she seemed to much appreciate that I was there (and took notes on who wasn’t) so it was good I was there, particularly since she associates me with Catholicism. Rushed off from there to bingo, which I really wasn't in the mood for. The hours they did drag, which was perhaps proof that I’d gotten too used to vacational self-indulgence. I was grateful for the crucifix in the bingo hall, it was a warming sign.

Feel a deep need to resuscitate in the dust motes of a good volume of fiction. But feel the same sort of scatterminded, restlessness that most resists what is most required. Sat down to read, or rather prepared for sitting down for reading by doing a thousand little chores, including, if you can believe it, watering the plants. I finally sit down and gape at the libraries in the “At Home With Books” picture book. Ahh…pictures…. (say like “Ahhh…donuts” in Homer Simpson’s voice).

My desire for order is so pronounced that it greatly relieves me that I relieved this desk of all those pesky receipts and Visa statements, which stand like mute reminders to update Quicken but which I fail to do repeatedly, just as I consistently fail to acquire sufficient beer or gas or groceries. I’m so tired of nearly running out of things, including money. (Must go to ATM.) I swear I can’t keep Quicken updated and am wondering if it’s even worth it.

Worked bingo with new bingo workers and I asked the sort of questions that I shouldn’t have. Of the thin, attractive tall brunette I asked: “Are you 6-foot?” (she was 5-10). I also asked her if she played basketball. She played volleyball she said. She was kind to me, in the sort of polite way one is kind to the mentally disabled.

• • • • •

"She was kind to me, in the sort of polite way one is kind to the mentally disabled."

Happens to me all the time. Just today, in fact. Thanks for posting this. Misanthropy loves company.
I just noticed I whine a lot. I should call this blog "The W(h)ine Blog".
"I was grateful for the crucifix in the bingo hall, it was a warming sign."

I was going to say I know exactly what you mean, except on second thought I'm not sure about that.

"Our" pizza place has at least one crucifix, probably two, and St. Francis and Padre Pio images on the wall. And that is vital to its being our pizza place, I think, even more than the apparently happily-employed kitchen guys calling my husband's name like Norm on Cheers when we show up, and such.

I'm wanting to blog again but reading terms of service for all those free sites is a pain and other things get in the way. So I guess you can use that title till its rightful owner claims it.
My desire for order... Criminy, I could have written that paragraph, if'n I could write. Except my mute accusers are check-card receipts and overdue bills. The lure of Quicken - sigh. I never learned the fundamental daily discipline needed for it. Indeed, I have the opposing vice, a daily discipline that carefully avoids little things that have been promised. I'm wiley enough now to avoid verbal promises of those little things - "I'll update Quicken every day!", "I'll load the dishwasher before noon." Something compels me to delay after the word is spoken. If I don't promise, it gets done. Mystery.
ro - I should 'splain that the Crucifix means to me "God loves me" and that is warming. How'd your Ohio visit go!?!

Bill - I hear ya. And with Quicken the cost/benefit seems questionable at best. I print off yearly reports that say exactly how much I spent on books, groceries, charity, etc.. and then I NEVER look at them.
Well the Bob Evans Festival is this coming weekend, but we can't make it. Maybe you can go and do a blog about it instead.

I wish that were what I thought of when you said the Crucifix was warming to you. Maybe there are still too many strains of merely cultural Catholicism in me. "Oh look, people like us run this place." But it's "warming" that they actually believe in Jesus and show it, not just that we probably have common childhood memories of religious things. Still, I'm looking upon an image of the crucified Christ and thinking something positive about a pizzeria owner... not necessarily mutually exclusive, but I don't think I should be focused mainly on the pizza guy either. Oh well, what do you expect from someone who needs to remind herself that reading Catholic blogs is no substitute for actual prayer.
Actually there is part of that for me too. When I see a crucifix in a place of business it makes it feel more "homey", more like home. I did see that a lot in Italy and Mexico but just about never in Ohio.
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